so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
