Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
