You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
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Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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