my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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