tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I intend to get homeless drunk
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
