Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
