While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
