so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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