I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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