Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
