I'd wear matching sweaters with you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
