____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?