you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
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We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea