I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"