I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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