Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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