I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
no you cant smoke seaweed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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