I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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