i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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