I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
