He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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