We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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