if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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