I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
wow bdsm is so cute
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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