Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
