Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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