just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?