i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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