So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
