I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
