Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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