yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
