Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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