Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
