Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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