I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
