Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
