Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
