I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
