well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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