before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
