Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
