she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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