Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
