Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
