We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
