so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
