So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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