Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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