you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
