My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
