i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
