im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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