Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
