I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
