It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
