My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
