update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
