I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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