I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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